What a whirl of a 3 months of school that was! The growth socially, academically, and emotionally for these two children (for the whole FAMILY actually) was truly dramatic. We try to stay focused on the progress they have made, rather than getting bummed about the huge gap that remains. Both Pierre and Ange-Laurette made over one year gain in the area of mathematics in 3 months. They adapted to most of the school rules and social norms. Still, they really struggle with the expectation that they sit quietly the majority of the day. I am sure they think we are half nuts with all our rules, coming from a life outdoors with over 50 kids for the past two years. Raising their hand before speaking was not exactly something they had been required to do. :) No one ever cared or noticed that Pierre was constantly rapping out a tune with his mouth noises...or that Ange-Laurette drummed out her excitement throughout the day. No one likely corrected them when they forcefully fought for their turn on the one set of monkey bars. No one heard that they were chewing with their mouths open or holding up their plate to their mouths to get the very last morsel. I can't imagine what Bruce and I sound like throughout the dinner hour or on the car rides. Why the need to be so quiet? Why such privacy? Why should we be courteous when we're frustrated with someone? The questions in their heads must go on and on.
We start summer with full mornings of tutoring, tennis, and basketball...and full evenings and weekends of baseball and softball. Still, we have much more laid-back time and much more time just together. They will spend hours playing four-square in the driveway or making up games on the trampoline. Friends call now and then for a bike ride to the park. The car rides to and from activities are great times to answer their questions and for them to share stories from their years in Haiti.
As stories surface among other families adopting kids from the same orphanage about tough conditions at the orphanage, we have chosen to not panic or overthink them. We knew from the beginning that adopting older children from Haiti would mean that they would have likely experienced trauma, before and after arriving at the orphanange. Even an orphanage exceeding world-wide standards is still an orphanage. The nannies (as loved as they were) were not trained or supervised. The other children they lived with came from equally traumatizing backgrounds. We knew that. We work hard to listen to the details our kids share without showing shock. We respond matter-of-factly that some things that were ok in Haiti are simply not ok here. We not only use it as a teaching time to share our values and expectations...but we use it as a time to reaffirm our commitment to them to keep them safe, fed, and loved. This keeps the door open for further conversations, and it avoids us judging their culture or second-guessing the love of their caretakers in Haiti.
I really, really encourage any other adoptive parents to do the same. As a psychologist, I believe that the best way to help them through any trauma they have experienced is by not creating more drama about it through questioning or overreacting. We help them share every detail they can remember now, so we can have information to help them later. Without condemning their past experiences, we reassure them of what their future will be like here: They will always have enough water and food; we will never hit them but will teach them right from wrong through positive discipline and instruction; and they can choose to have appropriate relationships with the opposite sex at each stage of life, with our help and the boundaries we set.
These two 9-year-olds have experienced hunger, abondonment, and harsh discipline... and have witnessed death, an earthquake, and more than one hurricane. We do not want to underestimate or be insensitive to the trauma some kids are still experiencing. We are just sharing that ours show very little trauma. We know that they have been prayed over by hundreds of you for months on end. We also know that Pierre and Ange-Laurette go to sleep believing whole-heartedly that this is their forever home...that they are forever safe...and that they are unconditionally loved. If only every child had that tonight.
