Since January...actually since right about the 3 year mark since the kids arrived from Haiti...Ange-Laurette has changed in ways we really never quite thought possible. Yes, we prayed for these changes, and we DID trust that God would get us to that point. But it had been so long in coming, and with so many steps backwards, that we were not sure what to expect or even what to pray for.
I think I wrote once before about what I heard on a Family Life radio program from a couple that had adopted an older child. I heard it probably early in the adoption process, but it has given me hope so many times since. The father admitted this: "Although I would have given my life for our newly adopted son early on, I did not experience that warm fuzzy for nearly 3-5 years after he arrived." When I heard it, 3 years seemed like so very long to wait for that true "bonded" feeling. But knowing that others had loved like we loved...but had to wait for that love back... it just hung in the air during so many dark times.
When I say "dark," I don't mean that the challenges outweighed the joys. I just can honestly say that I doubted my own parenting skills and my own love for my adopted child...when all my efforts resulted in repeated disobeying and lack of all feeling in return. I wondered if this truly was a "calling" from God if it was not resulting in a warm, loving family years into the adjustment. I wondered if I was expecting way too much. I wondered if our "date" conversations as a husband and wife would EVER be simply about the weather or the restaurant menu again. I was exhausted to the core from hourly efforts and explanations and corrections and forgiving. And the worst part was that, on the outside and from all other friend/acquaintances viewpoints, the adjustment looked totally normal and complete.
Both Pierre and Ange-Laurette had dozens of friends and were involved in sports every season. They prayed to God from their hearts and were nearly at grade level in academics. What others did not see, or stop to notice, was that Ange did not initiate interest in others with questions and could not define a single feeling she experienced. She did not feel pain or hunger or sadness or fear. She rarely greeted siblings and never asked about their day. Each reprimand for disobeying was responded to with a simple shrug and no facial expression whatsoever. The curse...being a trained psychologist...made this really, really hard to NOT notice or to NOT be overly concerned about.
So, almost out of the blue (although looking back, it occurred after so much effort and intention)...she started writing independently in her feeling journal...FEELING words. She started laughing harder and more often. She even cried when mad and disppointed. When we had our mother-daughter talks after a situation, she leaned into me and apologized....and then remembered the conversation the next day. We were able to talk REAL about her locked up feelings and about the relationship that we both wanted to have. The tears flowed many times. We laughed about how that meant her heart was opening...and it was almost visible how our love for her was finally able to enter in. She seemed to believe our compliments, listen to our encouragement, and feel remorse. We were becoming true parents of this child.
So, for any of you out there in the tough spots of adoption of an older child...for any of you who thought you had made progress but have been on the backslide...please have faith. We had one incident since January that reminded me of the past, and (to be honest) I overreacted in fear that we were headed backwards. When I apologized to her after school about my not-so-nice words/reaction and admitted my fears, she said, "I know. I was thinking that too! I don't ever want to go back to feeling that way."
The feeling of distance...of a yearning for what you know could be and will be someday...of a disconnect that others have seemed to overcome ~ That will one day go away.
But only after constant work and effort, an unconditional love when none flows back your way, and intentional parenting, even when you feel you've reached your limit.
Hang in for one more day...celebrate each little success.
Hope is on the Horizon!
