A firmer foundation....that's for sure!

So much time has passed...and so quickly! 

With up to 13 basketball games a week this winter (with the 3 youngest playing),

two girls in band, and one in dance...I haven't even had much time to reflect. 

But, when you ask how things are going, Bruce and I will emphatically agree, "Whew!" 

We are able to see the "other side," and we are loving the way our family looks and feels now. 

Yesterday, we met for the first time with a group we just organized:  Child of Mine, Watertown Families United through Adoption.  The plan is to gather about 6 times a year, with speakers and topics chosen by the families attending.  The goal is to recognize the very real and unique joys that come with adoption...as well as sharing in the challenges as well.  It gives the kids and parents a place to connect with others in our community who "understand."  The first night was so fun!  After playing a round of "Minute to Win It" types of games with our individual families, we listed "10 unique things about our family."  As we shared our lists, we noted how only ONE of the items touched on adoption....and how adoption does not need to DEFINE who we are as a family.  Lots of things make each family in our community unique...and we are no different in that aspect.  The best part was the intimate conversation between parents as the kids played outside toward the end.  We could have gone on for hours.  I think we all left feeling supported and validated and encouraged! 

I really swing between wanting my family to just be "normal" and even saying as much within our own walls...but then knowing deep inside that we need to keep acknowledging the reality of all that comes with our transracial adoption here in the upper midwest....and what that means for our kids.  Every single day there is a new way that it touches our lives:  unexpected comments from others, memories from the past, cultural differences in tastes/personalities, and new moments of bonding.  We are constantly learning...but now in a way that doesn't shake us in our shoes the same way!  :)  We have a firmer foundation, a stronger bond, and total faith.  We can see glimpses of the bigger picture God had in mind all along.  Ahhhhh!    

A Word of HOPE

Since January...actually since right about the 3 year mark since the kids arrived from Haiti...Ange-Laurette has changed in ways we really never quite thought possible.  Yes, we prayed for these changes, and we DID trust that God would get us to that point.  But it had been so long in coming, and with so many steps backwards, that we were not sure what to expect or even what to pray for. 

I think I wrote once before about what I heard on a Family Life radio program from a couple that had adopted an older child.  I heard it probably early in the adoption process, but it has given me hope so many times since.  The father admitted this:  "Although I would have given my life for our newly adopted son early on, I did not experience that warm fuzzy for nearly 3-5 years after he arrived."  When I heard it, 3 years seemed like so very long to wait for that true "bonded" feeling.  But knowing that others had loved like we loved...but had to wait for that love back... it just hung in the air during so many dark times. 

When I say "dark," I don't mean that the challenges outweighed the joys.  I just can honestly say that I doubted my own parenting skills and my own love for my adopted child...when all my efforts resulted in repeated disobeying and lack of all feeling in return.  I wondered if this truly was a "calling" from God if it was not resulting in a warm, loving family years into the adjustment.  I wondered if I was expecting way too much.  I wondered if our "date" conversations as a husband and wife would EVER be simply about the weather or the restaurant menu again.  I was exhausted to the core from hourly efforts and explanations and corrections and forgiving.  And the worst part was that, on the outside and from all other friend/acquaintances viewpoints, the adjustment looked totally normal and complete.    

Both Pierre and Ange-Laurette had dozens of friends and were involved in sports every season.  They prayed to God from their hearts and were nearly at grade level in academics.  What others did not see, or stop to notice, was that Ange did not initiate interest in others with questions and could not define a single feeling she experienced.  She did not feel pain or hunger or sadness or fear.  She rarely greeted siblings and never asked about their day.  Each reprimand for disobeying was responded to with a simple shrug and no facial expression whatsoever.  The curse...being a trained psychologist...made this really, really hard to NOT notice or to NOT be overly concerned about.

So, almost out of the blue (although looking back, it occurred after so much effort and intention)...she started writing independently in her feeling journal...FEELING words.  She started laughing harder and more often.  She even cried when mad and disppointed.  When we had our mother-daughter talks after a situation, she leaned into me and apologized....and then remembered the conversation the next day.  We were able to talk REAL about her locked up feelings and about the relationship that we both wanted to have.  The tears flowed many times.  We laughed about how that meant her heart was opening...and it was almost visible how our love for her was finally able to enter in.  She seemed to believe our compliments, listen to our encouragement, and feel remorse.  We were becoming true parents of this child.

 

So, for any of you out there in the tough spots of adoption of an older child...for any of you who thought you had made progress but have been on the backslide...please have faith.  We had one incident since January that reminded me of the past, and (to be honest) I overreacted in fear that we were headed backwards.  When I apologized to her after school about my not-so-nice words/reaction and admitted my fears, she said, "I know.  I was thinking that too!  I don't ever want to go back to feeling that way." 

 

The feeling of distance...of a yearning for what you know could be and will be someday...of a disconnect that others have seemed to overcome ~  That will one day go away. 

But only after constant work and effort, an unconditional love when none flows back your way, and intentional parenting, even when you feel you've reached your limit. 

Hang in for one more day...celebrate each little success. 

Hope is on the Horizon!

 

 

  

There comes a day...

...when we are NOT all about the adoption.  :)  The past 3 years have been consumed with our amazing journey:  our energy, our money, our time, our prayers, and nearly every conversation when we catch up with acquaintances.  It was what it needed to be, and we still believe we did what we needed to do each step of the way.  That being said, we are determined to take the next step into some sense of normalcy!

It was so fun to have Bailey take the spotlight this October.  She attended her first formal, and Dane and Ashley made the trip back to give her full attention (So sweet and meaningful for them to do this!).  She basked in the moment and beamed like the beautiful girl she is SHOULD.  She has been a rock throughout the past few years, taking back seat to many chaotic evenings and waiting up late to get her chance to catch up with her mom.  :)  We are so glad that she took that last trip to Haiti with us.  It gave her the compassion to persevere and appreciate the adjustment process.  Of all we say about Pierre and Ange-Laurette's adjustment, Bailey has withstood the test...and became such a caring and strong young woman in the process. 

And then there is Nate.  Trooper number 2!  As they all grow into their older selves, there are the typical annoyances, especially considering very different personalities.  But his years from 7 to 10-years-old were really a blur to us.  HE always seemed ok with it, but I had an eye-opener this week.  He had gone to get his haircut from a new gal.  Nate loved that his last one knew so much about football and would talk to him about his fantasy teams.  So, on the way, he asked if I thought this new gal liked football.  He was smiling thinking about what new fact he'd share.  She invited us back and immediately started asking about our "two new kids" and how they were adjusting (in a small town, everyone knows the story).  I gave a quick update and tried to turn it back to Nate and his recent win at a basketball tournament.  Again, meaning well and genuinely interested, she asked about the other two and their progress in school...and then even about their past in Haiti.  I could see Nate's face drop as as he slid down in his chair.  This went on the entire haircut:  me sharing a piece of info and turning it back to Nate, and her wanting to know more about Pierre and Ange-Laurette.  My biggest frustration was in MYSELF.  I fall into conversations like this hook line and sinker everytime!  I need a rote response that is tactful but one that moves us to a new level of normalcy, and one that reminds others (and myself) that I have 5 children of equal importance and interest in my life...each of which deserve their time to shine. 

So, no update on the adoption process today.  :)   Just a grateful mom so blessed to be moving into a new season where we are just a family....a conspicuous one, yes....but just a big family with LOTS of special people.   

Her first straightener was a hit!

She is ALL smiles!  Our good friend and hair stylist, Carol, made quite the transformation tonight!  We decided Ange-Laurette was old enough to keep up with the straight hair style...and the style itself added 3 years to her age!  She is only 11, but we can feel the teens in the air.  :)  Like the Visa commercial says, "Priceless" is the look on her face. 

A Reunion ~ from Haiti to Mt. Rushmore

Four Haitian-American families were able to reunite this summer in the Black Hills of South Dakota...and it was the highlight of our summer!  4 of the children had lived together at BRESMA in Haiti and were airlifted out together following the eathquake in 2010.  These 3 families had not seen each other since leaving Pittsburgh that week.  The other 5 Haitian-born children had not lived at the orphanage at the same time, but they shared the same "history."  This made the reunion a unique and special gathering, for them, their 4 American-born siblings, and their parents.  :)  It was so nice to just sit back and spend time with so many people who all understood the experiences/struggles/successes!


The kids re-connected immediately.  They reminisced about foods and pasttimes from their time in the orphanage.  They bragged about how their American moms still cook them rice and beans now.  They talked about how certain subjects in school were so hard.  But, most of all, they just hung out like typical American kids!  All being talented in sports, they stayed up late closing down the basketball and volleyball courts.  The resort allowed for us to gather in one spot and still watch about 5 activities at once.  We piled into our cars to hike around Mt. Rushmore and visit Reptile Gardens one day.  Otherwise, lots of conversation, games, food, and play.  Parents were able to share strategies, insights, and fears...knowing they were safe and in empathetic company.  :)  One mom said of her child, "This is the happiest he has been in a long time."  After returning home, Ange-Laurette said, "Can we do that every year?  That meant a lot."  We plan to have routine reunions every few years, at varied locations... hoping to make it possible for many other families.

   

Graduated from vision therapy...or so we thought!

Pierre had his 6-week appointment to vision therapy 2 hours away. It had been 6 months of daily eye exercises with the goal of helping his eyes track left to right, making his eyes less strained after reading, and teaching him to focus on the given plane. The doctor agreed that Pierre had met those 3 goals. Also, his last migraine had been 5 weeks earlier...much less frequent than before. So, she announced that he had "graduated." He was to continue wearing his bifocal glasses for reading but could stop the exercises. Well, within the two weeks since the appointment (and no vision therapy), Pierre has had 3 migraines! So, we decided we will go back to the short 15 minutes a day of eye exercises to avoid more migraines. It takes so little time for such a benefit for him.

Our "field trip" after the eye appointment in Fergus Falls, MN, was a trip to Fargo, ND, where none of the kids had been before. We hit Space Aliens for lunch, rode the Scheels ferris wheel, and then topped the day off with Cold Stone ice cream before heading home. You'd have thought we'd been to Disney World. They repeatedly told me how it was the best day of their summer so far! It really was fun to see them out of the ordinary and enjoying the new things around them. They get along so well...as different as they are from each other.

"Learning" to cry again

For any of you who have followed the blog, or any of you close friends who have walked through the past couple years with us, this entry will come as no surprise. For others of you who see the smiling faces and the huge success from the OUTside, a few rolled eyes might ensue. :) Still, this is another story of baby-step progress...and of God's role in it all. Another part of the story we must tell for it to be complete. After 2 1/2 years, Ange-Laurette had still only shed a few small tears...of which she was confused about. We have worked on defining feeling words and the physical signs that go with them. We have talked through various situations that might cause a person to feel sadness/anger/doubt/frustration etc. She has journaled privately, visited with a counselor, and had many opportunities to walk through this with me as well. But if a person's heart is literally LOCKED, then those are just more words that confuse and more evidence to her that she is "not getting" something. So, we continue to create a safe and nurturing environment to help that heart open up. We continue to love, despite a lack of reciprocation...trusting and hoping that God knew what was best by placing us together. Bruce and I had prayed repeatedly about this long and difficult bonding process, with and without Ange-Laurette present. Then, a couple weeks ago the message in church was on how to create godly relationships with our children. When they offered up prayer stations after the service, we all 3 went to a couple up front. We did not know them personally...only that they were prayer warriors who would listen to God and pray what needed to be prayed over Ange-Laurette. Within seconds, they began: praying that she would trust her new parents and accept their hugs and love; that she would let herself weep and cry over all the tough things from her past; and that God would offer an encouraging break-through soon for all of us. The peace and comfort that fell over all of us was amazing! Ange-Laurette lowered her shoulders and took deeper breaths immediately...just a sense of relief of sorts. But the next two days brought the typical disobeying and disregarding of rules and routines. After one night of several "corrections", I suggested she take her journal to the sunroom to just write down all of her thoughts about the past week...to let it all out...just for her to read alone. 20 minutes later, I found her curled up on the chair SOBBING. She explained how she cannot remember anything much from Haiti and wanted to be more trusted but didn't know how. I was so happy to see that emotion. She smiled when I cheered. :) I said, "You know what? You cannot have that much emotion if your heart is still locked! You are opening it up! Now, can I tell you all the things I've wanted you to hear, now that it's open? :)" I proceeded to share how good she has been for our faith and our family...how very much we love her and treasure her...and how we will be patient and hopeful to the end. She melted into my arms for the first time...not all stiff and forced as she had been for years. The next morning, she brought in her journal with a new song she had written (with a dance to go along with that :) It said, "Cuz I know that you love me; cuz I know that you care...and we are gonna get there, someday, some way." Yes, the weeks since have had similar ups and downs...moments that leave us shaking our heads, but also moments that melt our hearts. Here, Ange-Laurette was praying for her birthmother before releasing a balloon, as we do each Mother's Day. Hope. Endurance. Perseverance. We will finish the race...and with God's wisdom will become mature and complete. (James 1)