A firmer foundation....that's for sure!

So much time has passed...and so quickly! 

With up to 13 basketball games a week this winter (with the 3 youngest playing),

two girls in band, and one in dance...I haven't even had much time to reflect. 

But, when you ask how things are going, Bruce and I will emphatically agree, "Whew!" 

We are able to see the "other side," and we are loving the way our family looks and feels now. 

Yesterday, we met for the first time with a group we just organized:  Child of Mine, Watertown Families United through Adoption.  The plan is to gather about 6 times a year, with speakers and topics chosen by the families attending.  The goal is to recognize the very real and unique joys that come with adoption...as well as sharing in the challenges as well.  It gives the kids and parents a place to connect with others in our community who "understand."  The first night was so fun!  After playing a round of "Minute to Win It" types of games with our individual families, we listed "10 unique things about our family."  As we shared our lists, we noted how only ONE of the items touched on adoption....and how adoption does not need to DEFINE who we are as a family.  Lots of things make each family in our community unique...and we are no different in that aspect.  The best part was the intimate conversation between parents as the kids played outside toward the end.  We could have gone on for hours.  I think we all left feeling supported and validated and encouraged! 

I really swing between wanting my family to just be "normal" and even saying as much within our own walls...but then knowing deep inside that we need to keep acknowledging the reality of all that comes with our transracial adoption here in the upper midwest....and what that means for our kids.  Every single day there is a new way that it touches our lives:  unexpected comments from others, memories from the past, cultural differences in tastes/personalities, and new moments of bonding.  We are constantly learning...but now in a way that doesn't shake us in our shoes the same way!  :)  We have a firmer foundation, a stronger bond, and total faith.  We can see glimpses of the bigger picture God had in mind all along.  Ahhhhh!    

A Word of HOPE

Since January...actually since right about the 3 year mark since the kids arrived from Haiti...Ange-Laurette has changed in ways we really never quite thought possible.  Yes, we prayed for these changes, and we DID trust that God would get us to that point.  But it had been so long in coming, and with so many steps backwards, that we were not sure what to expect or even what to pray for. 

I think I wrote once before about what I heard on a Family Life radio program from a couple that had adopted an older child.  I heard it probably early in the adoption process, but it has given me hope so many times since.  The father admitted this:  "Although I would have given my life for our newly adopted son early on, I did not experience that warm fuzzy for nearly 3-5 years after he arrived."  When I heard it, 3 years seemed like so very long to wait for that true "bonded" feeling.  But knowing that others had loved like we loved...but had to wait for that love back... it just hung in the air during so many dark times. 

When I say "dark," I don't mean that the challenges outweighed the joys.  I just can honestly say that I doubted my own parenting skills and my own love for my adopted child...when all my efforts resulted in repeated disobeying and lack of all feeling in return.  I wondered if this truly was a "calling" from God if it was not resulting in a warm, loving family years into the adjustment.  I wondered if I was expecting way too much.  I wondered if our "date" conversations as a husband and wife would EVER be simply about the weather or the restaurant menu again.  I was exhausted to the core from hourly efforts and explanations and corrections and forgiving.  And the worst part was that, on the outside and from all other friend/acquaintances viewpoints, the adjustment looked totally normal and complete.    

Both Pierre and Ange-Laurette had dozens of friends and were involved in sports every season.  They prayed to God from their hearts and were nearly at grade level in academics.  What others did not see, or stop to notice, was that Ange did not initiate interest in others with questions and could not define a single feeling she experienced.  She did not feel pain or hunger or sadness or fear.  She rarely greeted siblings and never asked about their day.  Each reprimand for disobeying was responded to with a simple shrug and no facial expression whatsoever.  The curse...being a trained psychologist...made this really, really hard to NOT notice or to NOT be overly concerned about.

So, almost out of the blue (although looking back, it occurred after so much effort and intention)...she started writing independently in her feeling journal...FEELING words.  She started laughing harder and more often.  She even cried when mad and disppointed.  When we had our mother-daughter talks after a situation, she leaned into me and apologized....and then remembered the conversation the next day.  We were able to talk REAL about her locked up feelings and about the relationship that we both wanted to have.  The tears flowed many times.  We laughed about how that meant her heart was opening...and it was almost visible how our love for her was finally able to enter in.  She seemed to believe our compliments, listen to our encouragement, and feel remorse.  We were becoming true parents of this child.

 

So, for any of you out there in the tough spots of adoption of an older child...for any of you who thought you had made progress but have been on the backslide...please have faith.  We had one incident since January that reminded me of the past, and (to be honest) I overreacted in fear that we were headed backwards.  When I apologized to her after school about my not-so-nice words/reaction and admitted my fears, she said, "I know.  I was thinking that too!  I don't ever want to go back to feeling that way." 

 

The feeling of distance...of a yearning for what you know could be and will be someday...of a disconnect that others have seemed to overcome ~  That will one day go away. 

But only after constant work and effort, an unconditional love when none flows back your way, and intentional parenting, even when you feel you've reached your limit. 

Hang in for one more day...celebrate each little success. 

Hope is on the Horizon!