Early this summer, we became aware of (or finally admitted) the lack of emotion Ange-Laurette was experiencing, both in expressing her own emotions and recognizing those in others. For so long, we assumed it was simply her personality. After Bruce shared his concerns with me regarding her lack of interest in others and her dislike of answering others' questions, we sat down to talk with her.
In a heartbreaking conversation I will never forget, she was unable to name people she truly "loved" except possibly her birthmother. I said, "Yes, Suzette, your birthmother. Why do you love her?" She said, "because she loves ME?" I asked how she knew that. Ange-Laurete said, "Because she came to check on me after the earthquake." I asked what else made her know her birthmother loved her. She said, "She said so." I asked Ange to remember how her birthmom hugged her, how many times she kissed her, and how her eyes looked when she said goodbye. Ange-Laurette recalled that her birthmom squeezed so hard she could hardly breathe. She kissed her many times, and her eyes were full of tears. I said, "You are right. THAT is what love looks like. Do you see that?" She shrugged and looked only half-convinced.
Over the past month, we have talked about what love looks and feels like, as well as what other emotions such as disappointment/grief/anger look and feel like. Bruce and I were pretty upset. We had had been boasting about her resiliency and strength all this time. Yes, she does possess those. But, the truth was that we had a little girl who had completely closed off her emotions altogether to survive the past 6 years of life experiences. It is not that she didn't like us or appreciate us or love being here in our family. She just was not allowing herself to "feel" the wide range of emotions to the core.
I prayed that god would give me the opportunity and the words to break through. On a long car ride mid-June, just Ange-Laurette and myself, God gave me the words out of nowhere! Seriously, I was speaking and just smiling to myself thinking, "This is good!" :) I asked her to listen carefully and think about this. I said that when she was 4 and witnessed her dad's death, lost her home in a hurricane, spent months searching for a new home, watched her mother place her baby sister in an orphanage, and then decided to choose adoption for her as well....her mother was likely unable to take care of Ange-Laurette's grief and fears. Ange-Laurette, out of survival, had to close up her heart. I cupped my hands together to show her how her heart locked up all her emotions inside...like the plastic heart at Valentines that held candy inside. I explained that, by doing that, she kept herself from feeling sad, scared, disappointed, or anything that might hurt. At the same time, she could not feel others' love or even daily joys anymore. I explained that she was the only one who held the key to opening her heart again. I told her I would be here for her each day as she slowly opened it, like a flower in spring. The problem was that as she started to feel love and to love others again, she might also feel sadness or anger about things from the past too.
As I looked in the rearview mirror, I saw her cup her hands together just like mine. She watched me intently, like she rarely had before. I asked if she understood. She nodded but then plugged in her Mp3 player again. I was not sure how much she had heard. Later that night, as Bruce and I tucked her into bed, I asked her to tell Bruce what she remembered about our conversation in the car.
She demonstrated how her heart had gotten locked up and said that she was the only one with a key. She said, "When I saw my dad killed and no one could make me feel better, I closed my heart so I wouldn't feel anything. Now I need to open it up a little bit like a flower." I asked her what might happen then. She said, "I can start to feel that you love me, but I might get sad again, too." WOW! We could not believe it. She had listened and had heard it. We practiced a "tight" squeeze hug, and tucked her in...for a new day ahead.
Since that night, so many moments have shown her growing ability to feel. She is using feeling words. We are able to talk about how being held as an infant and being changed when wet etc teach kids early on to trust others. She knows that her parents did everything they could, but she also knows that it is impossible to meet your baby's most basic needs in Haiti. Now, we are focusing our efforts on bonding with her and building that trust, rather than assuming it will grow naturally. When she says, "I can't" or shows low self esteem, we can name it and help her with positive self statements: "I'm learning more everyday. I am amazing!"
At first we felt guilty for not recognizing this earlier. Then we felt angry for not being more educated on the very real possibility of these minor attachment issues. Next, we were overwhelmed at the mountain ahead of us. But, with that one REAL conversation in the car and many more in the weeks since, we are so encouraged! Getting it out in the open and admitting no one was to blame...it was huge!! She doesn't have to feel like we dislike her insensitive personality...we don't have to wonder what we are doing wrong. It is a very understandable and common result from not having basic needs met early on...and from experiencing multiple traumas in childhood.
Our compassion for her, and Pierre as well, has grown exponentially. For the first 18 months, we were in survival mode. Our energies were on the adjustment, the language, the rules, the schooling, and just the day-to-day activities. Now, we know to stop, to sit together, to talk about their past, and to dream of future days together as a family. We are ready to see all of this from a God's eye perspective again...like we were able to do in the beginning. Bruce turned to this passage this morning:
2 Cor. 12: 9-10 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecution, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
If the kids' adjustment had been totally smooth, we would not have found ourselves on our knees asking for God's strength. If we had not taken on this calling, we would not have so many stories of his "grace." Without the hardships and difficulties, our faith would be weak...because we would have no idea how perfect God is in keeping his Word!! So, I am "boasting of our weaknesses" and knowing his grace will be sufficient. Amen!
